Ilissa’s MFT Tip #6 -Valentine’s Day for One

Another Valentine’s Day without a date? Not seeing anyone right now? Maybe you just came out of a relationship and you’re on your own again. Whatever the circumstances try not to feel too bad. Most people in there 20′s and even early 30′s are still looking for a partner. You are in a large group. I think it says more about the times then it does about you personally.

You have plenty of time. Most people aren’t getting married until they are in there thirties. Many young couples who were married shortly after high school or college well, they’re getting divorced.

So, plan something nice for yourself or call a friend and celebrate the holiday together. There’s nothing like the love of a good friend. And remember, you’ve got plenty of time to meet that special person!

Happy Valentine’s Day to You!

Want to work on being on your own?

Ilissa’s Family Tip # 5- Are You Irritated or Angry?

Are You Angry or Irritated?

There’s a big difference between feeling irritated and feeling angry. Irritation is milder; something you can cope with. Anger that is acted on is stronger and usually out of control. It crosses boundaries, hurts other people and can be abusive. If you can learn to say “I am irritated not angry”, then you will be acting and feeling more healthily than you have been before. Your relationships will improve because you will be able to discuss issues.

Here’s how to change anger into irritation…

1. Start with learning to calm your anger. That might mean walking away, calling a time out, counting to ten-100, writing down your thoughts, listening to music, doing Yoga or running to the gym.  It’s what you think that determines how you feel.

2. When you are angry notice what you tell yourself. Remind yourself that others don’t have to agree with you and that you cannot control others only yourself.

3. Think about why it is you get so angry? Is it a learned behavior?

4. When you are by yourself and thinking about the event don’t waste your time thinking about what the other person did to make you angry. That will just extend your anger. Think about what you could have done differently. See if there’s anything you can agree with and tell the person when you get back to discussing it. It makes them more open to your ideas.

5. Figure out through mulling or writing what it is you are really upset about and find a kind way to share this with the other person.

Keep practicing these 5 steps and soon you will find that you are feeling irritated rather than angry. This is a gift you can give to your loved ones as well as to yourself. You’ll feel so much more comfortable feeling irritated rather than angry. Remember, you have no right to take your anger out on others. You are responsible for your own emotions and your subsequent behavior.

 Want to change anger into irritation right now??

Family Tip #5- Why Should We Schedule a Weekly Family Meeting?

Teach your child how to communicate.

It’s so important to have a family meeting each week. All members of the immediate family should be there. Keep the meeting under an hour depending on how many people need to talk. Take turns sharing grievances, problems and good things. Don’t let it turn into a meeting of complaints. Have your meetings suit the age of your children. 

It’s important for kids know that they have a forum to speak where they can be listened to without interruption or judgment. Everyone’s feelings and ideas should be respected. Take this time to problem solve and allow the kids to figure things out themselves. This is a great gift you are giving them; the ability to solve problems. New behaviors will always do better when the kids have come up with it and agreed to it.

Family meetings are a time to share with your children any concerns and grievances. It’s also a time where you can tell your children how proud of them and give feedback on improved behaviors.

It’s also a way to teach communication between siblings. That should make for a more harmonious relationship. So look at your calendar right now and check in with your family about a night that might work for them. Have everyone put it on their calendar or in their phone and ask everyone to be there on time.

Tell me about your first family meeting. Did you have any problems? Did anything go especially well? Do you have any questions for me? You can email me at ilissa@ilissabanhazlmft.com

Want to have your first family meeting in my office?

Ilissa’s Tip # 4- How To Handle A Panic Attack

If you’ve ever had a panic attack then you know how scary and out of control you can feel. You may find it hard to breath or you might have the sweats. It can feel like you’re having a heart attack and you think you’re going to die.

Here’s the thing. You’re not going to die in fact nothing is going to happen to you.

When your panic attack begins tell yourself, “Okay, I’m having a panic attack, nothing will happen to me and it will pass.” The more you can calm yourself the quicker the panic attack will end.  You can put your head between your knees or blow into a paper bag if that helps.

Tell someone you trust and tell them how they can help you when you have a panic attack. Go on the internet and read up on panic attacks. Try WebMD. Understanding what’s happening to you can make you feel calmer.

Tell your doctor and see a psychotherapist. There are things you can do to stop having panic attacks.

Would you like to work with me on your panic attacks?

 

Tip #3- How Do I Tell My Partner That Something They Do Bothers Me?

Try using “I Statements”.

I feel __________ when you ________________. I need or prefer that you _________________.

When you use an “I Statement” you talk about your own feelings rather than attacking the other person. The hope is that your partner will be able to take in what you’re saying without getting defensive and he/she can then care about what you’re feeling.

This is an example of the wrong way to approach your partner.

You always leave your socks on the floor and I can’t stand it. (Attack!)

Here’s an example of a better way to approach your partner.

I feel disrespected when you leave your socks on the floor. I work hard to keep the house in order and I need for you to put your socks in the laundry basket. Can you do that for me?

Try addressing something small and less important until you get comfortable using ‘I Statements”.  At first it may feel awkward but the more you use it the more natural it will feel. Good luck! You can do it!  Afterwards, teach your partner to use “I Statements”.

Want to learn other communication skills?

Ilissa’s Tip #2: Better Communication With Your Partner: Say Goodbye to Mind Reading…

#2 – Before you assume you know what your partner is thinking when something they do bothers you-Try Being Curious. Check in and ask.  I was thinking this and I might be wrong but I’m curious.  Are you…?

Most times partners are thinking different things about an exchange. That’s because each one of us brings our personal reaction to things because of our unique life experiences.

Don’t get mad, get curious and create safety and intimacy. It feels really good.

 Want to pick up another communication tip?

Follow ilissa’s therapy tips in her weekly Family and Couples Blog!

Therapy Tip #1.

When you and your partner are discussing something and it turns into an argument; someone needs to call a time out. You have 24 hours to get back to addressing the issue. Usually the one who called the time out is the one to readdress the topic. Using humor is always helpful, “Well that didn’t go very well did it!” By now you should know how you feel, what you want, what you could have done differently and you can say it in a calm tone.

 Want to learn more communication techniques?