It’s All Your Fault!

Ever notice how you’re so very clear about what your partner did that is causing conflict between the two of you? Yes, we’re very good at picking up on our poor partner’s faults. But our own, not so good.

It’s actually more difficult to know what you think and feel. It takes practice. Have yourself choose 3 feelings words in the moment to describe how you feel. The more times you do this the sooner you’ll learn to know what you are feeling. It’s so helpful to know because you can share that with your partner. One partner being self-aware and owning his/her stuff can only lead to the other feeling safe to do the same. Settling conflicts are so much easier when you are aware of yourself.

So here’s what I suggest. Stop looking to your partner for reasons that he /she are causing all the trouble. Look to yourself and behave in the most appropriate way that you can towards your partner. If we have two adults doing their best to be kind, loving, and open-minded, chances are conflict will be kept to a minimum and friendship and intimacy should increase.

Try it and tell me if things improve!

Want to learn to communicate better with your partner?



About Ilissa Banhazl

Ilissa Banhazl is a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist, former grade school teacher and holds a masters degree in reading. She has a private practice in Glendora, CA and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband and three children. She specializes in adult, adolescent, individual, couple, and family relationship counseling as well as eating disorder treatment and recovery. She facilitates a Women’s Support Group in Glendora as well as a Women’s Disordered Eating & Body Image Group. Ilissa authors 3 therapy blogs, Marriage and Family, Eating Disorders and Group Therapy. You can follow her at FB and Twitter. or
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