How Soon Is Too Soon To Sleep With a Guy You Think You Might Really Like?

Written by Ilissa Banhazl, MFT-

Dating and sexSingle Women often ask me how soon is too soon to sleep with this guy I think I might really like? I tell them that I believe every case is unique. I have seen ones that worked out if a women slept with a man on the first date and I have seen things fall apart quickly when a women sleeps with a man too soon.

Do you believe that we have evolved to the point where women can realize their own sexuality as a man does? I have seen women who aren’t looking for anything serious have this kind of relationship. I believe Whoopi Goldberg from The View calls it something like hit it and run and that’s how she likes it.

However, I have seen more women who regret their choice to sleep with a guy early on. I also see women who have high-self esteem and not want to and won’t for 6 to 8 dates. If you share that will a guy simply wait out the number of dates? Other single women with healthy self-esteem don’t set a number of dates; instead they wait until they feel a sense of some kind of caring, trust and an informal or formal sense of commitment. Others of course wait until they are married, the ultimate commitment. Could this be the best way to get a man to commit? Or are there important reasons to sleep with the person before you are married? What do you think?

Can it be that in most cases we are not there yet as “women’s libbers” in terms of female male attraction and relationship building?  Do men still like a challenge not excluding that women like it too? Will it never change because men generally aren’t looking to commit, without any malice. Could most men consciously and unconsciously be afraid of commitment and marriage and it’s just going to take the right women to fall in love with to want those things too? What do you think?

Could a man be more attracted to a woman who has her own standards that he must live up to as well? Is there anything wrong with a woman wanting it just as much as he does but deciding to hold herself off just because she doesn’t want to loose his interest nor share herself so quickly? It’s something to think about.

Please leave a comment and share with other couples what you think about this “when to sleep with a guy concept?What do you think?

Ilissa Banhazl, MFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in Glendora. She has a private practice and you can reach her at 626-335-0903 or simply by clicking on this link.

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About Ilissa Banhazl

Ilissa Banhazl is a licensed marriage and family psychotherapist, former grade school teacher and holds a masters degree in reading. She has a private practice in Glendora, CA and lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband and three children. She specializes in adult, adolescent, individual, couple, and family relationship counseling as well as eating disorder treatment and recovery. She facilitates a Women’s Support Group in Glendora as well as a Women’s Disordered Eating & Body Image Group. Ilissa authors 3 therapy blogs, Marriage and Family, Eating Disorders and Group Therapy. You can follow her at FB and Twitter. http://www.ilissabanhazlmft.com or http://www.eatingdisordersgroup.com
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2 Responses to How Soon Is Too Soon To Sleep With a Guy You Think You Might Really Like?

  1. julielevinmft says:

    Hi Ilissa. Wow. Complex questions. What strikes me as I read this is the “get a man to commit” part. This seems to be the crux of the matter for many women, and it certainly was for me in my twenties.

    Sex is not going to “get” anyone a man. Men, like women, come in all flavors. Some really want to be in a secure, connected relationship. You can sleep with these guys any time, even on the first date, and they will want to stick around. Some guys feel restricted or smothered by the idea of commitment or monogamy. You can wait a prescribed number of dates, and they still won’t stick around. And then there are the ambivalent ones – the ones who want to be attached, and at the same time feel averse to commitment. These guys will drive you bat-s*** crazy. Try not to sleep with them at all 😉

    If I could give my younger self advice, I would say, don’t give your heart to anyone till you know whether they are capable of returning those feelings. I was never a “hit and run” type like Whoopi. I needed to feel a commitment. And for me, that love and security is what has always made great sex possible.

    We are all different. When a woman comes to me with this kind of dilemma, I ask her to consult with her future self – an older, wiser part of her who knows exactly what she needs to feel happy, secure, and in the highest self esteem. Usually, that future self proves an invaluable ally.

  2. ilissa says:

    Great response! Thanks for sharing!

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