The first thing you don’t do is engage! If your partner is spewing angry words and tones at you, you need to tell them you need to take break. If you allow their anger to be turned on you, you enable your partner to continue a negative pattern of anger. He/She can do it and so they will.
You need to be clear that it is not fair for your partner to pour their rage out on you and that they need to be responsible for their own emotions.
Feeling angry is not good or bad. We don’t judge feelings. But the way that your partner acts on his or her anger is what must be addressed.
(To the partner who struggles with anger) There are lots of tools to combat anger. First, in therapy you’ll discover where your anger comes from. Perhaps you learned it in your family of origin or maybe you’re very stressed out right now. When you find your voice you’ll feel less frustrated and won’t need to yell. You’ll learn to stay in your adult and discuss issues either in the moment or later when everyone is calm and knows better what and how they will address the issue. You’ll learn to use healthier coping skills like exercise, deep breathing and journaling to release some of your anger. Anger doesn’t feel very good, does it?
The most important thing is to tell your partner from the very beginning that venting their anger on you is not acceptable and that we need to learn how to discuss things. Say it in a kind and loving yet firm manner. You need to respect yourself enough to tell people how to treat you. Perhaps you might suggest to your partner that you try couple’s counseling to work on your communication.